Treadmills Make Me Cry

Yesterday was a bad day in the land of grief. Maybe it was because it was the 2 month anniversary of the last time I saw Nevada and wished her a good trip and hugged her goodbye.

I don't know. I can't say any day since she's died has been a trip to bountiful, but some days are easier than others. Yesterday just wasn't one of those days. I cried on my way to work.

Then held it in all day and even managed to celebrate with my good friend here at work for her birthday and faked my way through a client meeting, where I answered questions and appeared knowledgeable.

After work, free again in my own car, it was cry fest again. Not heaving sobs, as that's no good for driving, but just the normal about of tears.

Last night I found myself at the grocery store. Buying beer on sale and price checking the Irish cream (must run in the family LQ), but I opted to wait on that. I've already been through a jug of that, post Nevada and well, it's pretty fattening I suspect.

But damn it's tasty... Came home and it was more sadness. At this point I gave up trying to trick my brain into watching a stupid sitcom or distracting myself. I was beyond that point.

As I mentioned on Nevada's facebook page yesterday:

The highlight of my day was that my poison ring arrived early so I can put her ashes in it, and part of her will always be with me.

That was also my lowest point. A ring to carry one of my best friend's ashes in.

Her ashes? FUCK.

This morning, in true Irish stubbornness, I decide I'll start back to the gym.

Turns out, I can cry pretty good while on the treadmill. And this morning it was a whole parade of dead people. Derek, Rachel's husband, My Godfather and Uncle Joe, and Nevada that was on my mind.

But hey, at least I started back to the gym and apparently I can multi-task.

Not My Type

Is it just me or does anyone else hate John Mayer with a passion?

Finish the thought -Repost

I found this note on Facebook... Was posted originally sometime last year. I need to move it on #20. And the other update would be, the last time I cried: Last night. Nevada related.

Finish the sentences. Some may be uncomfortable, but you'll manage. Repost it as "Finish the sentences" when you're done! Don't forget to tag me back!

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss.... was awful and not my decision.

3. I talk... super fast.

4. I love... writing, my family, chocolate, and Paul Newman

5. My best friend/s... are always there for me.

6. My first real kiss... Was outside near a pine tree in the summer time.

7. Love is... not defined solely by people in relationships.

8. Marriage is... something I ponder in an abstract way.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... Why did I say that?

10. I'll always... have new interests.

11. The last time I really cried was because... I missed my uncle.

13. When I wake up in the morning... I lie to myself that I can take a nap later if I get up now.

14. Before I go to bed... I read every night. Either a book or a magazine.

15. Right now I am thinking about... My vacation starting in 2 hours.

16. Babies are... living, breathing optimism.

17. I get on Myspace... rarely any more.

18. Today I... am having a slumber party. Whee!

19. Tomorrow I will be... on route to Nashville.

20. I really want to be... a published author.

Motivational Poster

Nevada's inspiritional poster to remind me I'm worthy of good dates.

Packing UP BQ

My dad has resided in Keego Harbor for as long as I can remember. He needs a change and has decided to move north to closer to all of his brothers and sisters. This is an excellent plan, and will make visiting him much more pleasant when I don't have to contend with the drunk roommate, I refer to as the "boozy floozy."

Shane being the good older brother is doing the physical move, which left me to pack up my dad and his random household of crap. I started on Saturday and it took me all day just to clean out his bedroom and his closets, as we debated the merit of keeping each pair of dress pants.

5 bags later, we had a clothing donation pile that will outfit plenty of men for the winter, and my dad still has plenty of clothes, although all he wears lately is sleep pants.

I've honestly gotten better, but organization just isn't my strong suit, and I realized in the middle of it all, on Saturday as I was about to have a melt down, that I needed help. (My mom blames my premature birth for the fact that I can't do this sort of task).

Cousin Shannon immediately came to mind. She's great at this and she loves us both.
I texted her and she called the next day to say she'd be happy to help us.

I was so relieved, I almost cried. Last night we went over to pack up the rest of the condo.

My dad had a good time blaring gospel Elvis at level 7 on the stereo and then tried talking over it.

Shannon was fantastic. I think I did some stuff, but I have no illusions that she did the bulk of it. But we had a good visit while we worked, and I felt very lucky to have her in my life.

You know how a family member can laugh at you, but you know how much they love you?
We did a lot of that.

My loot for the evening: Several newish heavy duty pots and pans, a Quinlan Tree Service Shirt (in a style I didn't have), a cassette tape of Simon and Garfunkel, Live in Central Park, and a mouse from Apple for my laptop.

Shannon came away with a golf shirt for Ed my dad insisted she take, her own Quinlan Tree Service shirt, a french press, and the movie Cool Hand Luke.

Thanks Shannon for making an awful job fun and fairly stress free.

Love you

Textual Healing

For anyone that reads my blog, you're aware that my friend Nevada died. A month ago yesterday in fact. And that sucks. I've been filling up my phone with text messages of good will, humor and etc. So, I had to delete some and decided to share a few here.

October 17th- Day of Nevada's Memorial:

From Shane, my brother:
"Kelly you're a great friend, a special sister and a wonderful person."

From Jan, my friend who is a Brit and a friend of Nevada's as well:
"I am always here with an ear, a beer, or a hug. Don't hesitate anytime.

My Cousin Casey:
"I know it does, I'm sorry Kook. I wish I could do more for you. I love you, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

My cousin Lacy:
"Ok, I love you."

Becky
"Praying for you, Kel."

My cousin Shannon
"My heart is breaking for you, Kel."

Nevada's boyfriend Trevor, carrying on Nevada's quest to get me a date:
"Your goal should still be to drink yourself into a stupor--but to wake up on some random guy's couch instead of at home. Baby steps. :)

More from Trevor:
"I try to think of all the ways she changed my life for the better. Lately that's been more of comfort than sorrow."

Shane:
"Breathe, believe and revive"

My dad
"Love you more."

Shannon
"My pleasure. Wish I could do more!"

I DONT

I don't want to live and die in Detroit.
I don't want to only write about cars.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.
I don't want to ever forget how amazing Nevada was.
I don't ever want to forget the lessons she taught me, even if it takes years for them all to sink in.
I don't want to be a writer who never writes or publishes her book.
I don't want my dad to drink himself to death.
I don't want to push my friends and family away.
I don't want them to get upset when I do.
I don't want to sleep alone every night.
I don't want to undo all my healthy habits.
I don't want to gain a bunch of weight.
I don't want to dread the gym.
I don't want to stop beleiving in god.
I don't want to be a perky sales clerk at Hallmark.
I don't want my current clothing size to make me feel less worthy.
I don't want to lose myself in my grief.
I don't want to rush through the grief process.
I don't want to go on any more bad dates.
I don't want to put skim milk in my coffee.
I don't want to gossip about people.
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to cry all the time.
I don't want to give up on hope.
I don't want to beleive things will turn around and be severely dissappointed.
I don't want to go to another meeting.
I don't want to fall during yoga.
I don't want to give you my heart, if you aren't going to keep it safe.
I don't want to wear a sweater dress.
I don't want to be judged for eating milk duds and bacon for breakfast.
I don't want to envy others.
I don't want to watch reality shows.
I don't want to feel guilty for calling in for a mental health day.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't want to run a marathon.
I don't want to wear make up to work sometimes.
I don't want to eat food that comes "fresh" from a gas station.
I don't want to have credit card debt.
I don't want to ever stop eating chocolate.
I don't want to dress up for Halloween.
I don't want to depend on anyone.
I don't want to fake anything.
I don't want to engage in small talk.
I don't want to feel so utterly alone.